Before mercury, my blood used to fill thermometers.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Life is a dream when you're reeling.

I am in rare form tonight! Capturing thoughts so lucidly! I've been a mess at communicating lately. Misspelling names I'm perfectly familiar with. Reproducing "I read this study of..."-stories full of inadequate insights. I heard myself do that today in the office and was like ugh you are the worst.

I edited an entry by an intern for an ezine. I taught him how to pronounce "ezine." I edited the entry. I got some glowing observations from my coworkers about my approach, my attempt to have some impact on the way he writes vs. making sure there are no embarrassing spelling errors. My greatest strength as an editor comes from my highly specialized intellect - that is, whatever I'm reading about, it's madly likely it's not anything I know about. What I know a lot about is pretty finite. But if I am reading an entry for an ezine and I do not understand what it's about, you've failed me. You've failed to teach me about the intersection of sports grills, new media, and effective marketing. And I will take your face to school.

I persist in gold-medalling the "you know what I'm talking about so I'm just going to omit the subject from the body of my statement and intuit it via your undoubtedly perfect recall of our last conversation four months ago that was half on Twitter and half in the hallway during break at work and your well-honed psychic skills" category. I need to demand of myself WHAT ARE YOU DOING all the time. Leave no chance utterance unmonitored.

&Now is so close. Three weeks. I am so grateful one of my best friends is going with me. And it is the first time I will travel a significant distance, the second time I've ever been on a plane, my first time to California - where my dad is from. Kara and I got seats together and traded off window seats and she is bringing her sketchpad. I anticipate falling asleep on her shoulder and enjoying a good, neurotic, hopefully mute sob because I am so lucky. That this exists - this is a fucking rock concert of awesome, and all I want to do is fangirl and rip my intellectual top off and TAKE IT IN, the treasure of people writing real good important glorious radiant things now while I'm alive, things that matter to me in ways that are really altering things that badly need altering - and that I can afford to go, this marks a significant development in my life that still feels otherwise like a suspiciously long vacation. Because it is fall and it's been flooding here and I've had pangs of gloom and panic my whole person is convinced I am still in Williamsport and I am sleeping through class and I will wake up in the awful weather and desolate, empty town alone with the knowledge of my ruptured GPA. That this trip is in October is so perfectly what I need to reinforce to myself: I did sleep in, I missed a 3.0 by one point, and it is still totally fine.

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